Relationships and Maintaining Independence

By Dr. Craig Martin

Spring makes me think of Aries and the fierce individuality it symbolizes. It takes a lot of independence energy to make a new beginning as big as spring. Other seasons propel themselves from the efforts of the previous one, but spring follows winter, the time of inward movement and hibernation. By contrast, spring is the time of year for initiative, action and new expression.

Inside all of us is the energy of spring! We all have an inherent desire to express our uniqueness, take action, and live our lives in a personally authentic way. It’s not always easy for us to achieve a state of complete self-expression, but most of us try. We take classes, learn, play, work and love as an extension of our identity. And that’s important.

A relationship is another facet of the way we express ourselves in the world — who we decide to be with, the manner in which we “live” as a couple, and the way we shape each other’s lives becomes an integral part of our own individual life. The balance between being a couple and being a separate person amounts to more than just the time we spend together and the time we spend apart. It is a complete attitude of separate-but-together that is more conducive to the successful life of a loving couple.

However, that attitude is easier said than done. Most people feel very protective, if not possessive, about the time they spend with their spouse or partner. Just ask the guy whose wife is working the weekend because she’s pressed for a deadline. Or the woman who gets yet another call that her partner won’t be home in time for dinner. We want to have our own sense of independence, and we certainly want to offer that to our loved ones — but it can be complicated.

The reason most of us are in a relationship in the first place is multi-folded. We want companionship and someone to have fun with, and we may also want a family and the joys it can bring. We may even be looking for someone to grow with spiritually. We  want to spend time with our partner —but the time spent in the relationship is time we don’t have exclusively for us.

Finding that balance between work, hobby or “alone time,” and also our relationship is one of the greatest juggling acts we will ever do. There are certainly times when more energy needs to be dedicated to work, and the relationship may get the short end of the stick. The opposite is true as well — times when our relationship places demands on us that make it difficult to keep up with other duties.

The trick is not getting too enmeshed in one or the other. Trouble always begins when we lose focus on the balancing act that’s needed to have a full life. And it’s easy to lose that focus. Spend too much time at the office and not enough time with the kids and you are likely to hear about it. Go through a rough spot in a marriage and your work is likely to suffer. Yet, our individual life and our relationship do not have to be seen as separate at all. Together, they are our lives — and while they are different expressions of life, they are connected to us just like spring is connected to the Earth.

Relationships can fuel our individuality just as certainly as our individuality brings about a relationship that is right for us. They work together and are definitely not opposed. It only seems that way because of the duality of self and other. But the truth is always a bit different from the way things appear. After all, spring comes, even when there’s still snow on the ground.

Dr. Craig Martin is an astrologer, interfaith minister and spiritual counselor. Working with both individuals and couples, he resides in Los Angeles, and practices in both New York City and California. He is the author of “Elemental Love Styles: Find Compatibility and Create a Lasting Relationship,” and can be reached through his Web site at www.doctorcraig.com.

 

Finding Love: A New Way to Date

Getting beyond the stereotypical dating model and learning to impress yourself first can lead you to the right person

By Dr. Craig Martin

Let’s start this off by saying there is nothing wrong with wanting to look and act your best on a date. For all intents and purposes, there also should be nothing wrong with wanting to look and act your best with your spouse of 15 years. But this isn’t going to be about that.

Dating inevitably is very stressful. We all want to be liked, to be accepted, and to be loved. For single people, the dating process is the way in which we find someone to fulfill those needs. And for anyone who is out there dating – we soon discover this is not easy.

There are all kinds of reasons for that. People are odd, and finding just the right kind of odd that meshes nicely with you is a complex task. Often, on dates we find that people seem strange to us, and we can’t make a connection that feels like we want it to.

The truth is, by the time you find someone who is great for you, that person has been passed up by other people who thought they were strange. And so the dating scene is really about finding the right person – the one who makes you feel at home with them. It’s about finding the person whose strangeness isn’t really strange to you at all.

One thing that prevents this exploration from happening in a natural, and often amazing, way is that we put on a face designed to impress someone else. The problem with this is the face we put on isn’t really who we are. We don’t just show up looking and acting our best for a date, we show up looking and acting like someone we aren’t. This creates a problem.

If we go into the dating scene believing that “men want women who make them laugh,” or “women want men who are strong and unflappable,” then we make every attempt to mold ourselves into that kind of person. The issue that gets created is narrowness. Not all men or women are looking for the same things. And by the same token, not all men or women fit the stereotypes of specific kinds of behavior.

The more we try to behave in the particular way that we think will gain our acceptance, the further away we drift from our true selves. We often then learn to dislike who we are, thinking that if we are not a picture of the perfect date, then we are not desirable or attractive to anyone. This is not true.

The only person you ever need to impress is yourself. Once you’ve learned to do that, then the right person comes along. You don’t need to look outside yourself to find the validation and acceptance that’s been with you all along. It’s right there – in the mirror, in your actions, in your thoughts and in your deeds.

When you fully embrace the beauty that is you, then there is no other person who has the power to decide that for you. You’ve decided it for yourself and then someone comes along who sees it too! What a remarkable new way to date. Show up to impress yourself, and anyone who is not impressed by you is clearly not the right person. A number of wonderful things happen. You don’t have to waste too much time on people who don’t see you. And you, because you know better what to look for, don’t have to kiss quite so many frogs.

ABOUT DR. CRAIG MARTIN

Dr. Craig Martin is an astrologer, interfaith minister and spiritual counselor. Working with both individuals and couples, he resides in Los Angeles, and practices in both New York City and California. He is the author of “Elemental Love Styles: Find Compatibility and Create a Lasting Relationship,” and can be reached through his Web site at www.doctorcraig.com.